


The Time Where Lance Nearly Dies.

by Knocktasspiel



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Gen, I need to get this pain out somehow, Rant Fic, Read at your own discretion, no seriously, there's lots of self harm, triggering shit is about to go down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 16:11:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14116053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Knocktasspiel/pseuds/Knocktasspiel
Summary: Lance McLain never told anyone he was happy. In fact, he almost never was. They just never saw it that way.





	The Time Where Lance Nearly Dies.

They were in a battle. The lions were flying every which way, and purple Galra cruisers were chasing them. They were being overwhelmed by the number of cruisers that were surrounding them.

 

With a scream, Pidge was taken out as twelve fighters converged on her just after she had done a large attack. Her lion went down with a large plume of smoke coming from the cockpit. Lance screamed in horror as he saw Hunk go down next. His two best friends… gone.

 

Lance woke up in his bed, a short scream emanating from his mouth. He sat up quickly, placing his hand on the wall next to his bed, covering his mouth with the other. He hoped he hadn’t woken anybody up.

 

His hopes went unanswered. A knock came from his door and a sleepy voice said, “Hey buddy, you alright?”

 

His breath hitched. Hunk. He opened the door as fast as he could and took in his best friend. He was alright. Lance hugged Hunk suddenly, feeling tears coming to his eyes. He tried not to think of how weak he looked but knew that he was just pathetic.

 

Hunk shushed his sobs quietly, rubbing his back with a hand. They stood like that in the hallway for what felt like a lifetime, Hunk just quietly holding a sobbing Lance, not caring for who saw them.

 

When he was done crying Lance squeezed Hunk closer to him, then released him. He looked down at the ground as he sniffled and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. Hunk smiled at him in understanding. It had been months since Lance had taken his medication, and nightmares plagued him nearly nightly.

 

“Hey, you doing alright buddy? No emergencies?” Hunk asked gently. Lance shook his head, not counting the numerous cuts on his hips as “emergencies”. He licked his lips, grimacing slightly at their chapped feel, and smiled brightly.

 

“Sorry about that Hunk,” Lance said. “I had a rough night.”

 

“Yeah, no kidding. Are you alright if I go back to my room? Or do you want to cuddle tonight?” Hunk asked, secretly hoping for a cuddle fest. It had been awhile since Lance had said yes to the little rituals that they used to have if he was feeling particularly down. Tonight though, Hunk was sure that he would say yes.

 

He was right.

 

When the others came looking for the two the next morning they found Hunk and Lance cuddled together on the floor, with Hunk lying on his back while Lance rested his head on Hunks pectoral.

 

Allura stepped forward, about to wake her paladins up, but Pidge stopped her. “Let them sleep.” she whispered, “This is probably the only good sleep Lance has gotten in weeks.”

 

“How do you know this?” the princess questioned. Lance always looked well rested to her, always complaining about how training cut into his beauty sleep.

 

Pidge smiled tightly. “Because whenever Hunk and Lance would have a cuddle fest it would be after Lance had a particularly bad nightmare.” She turned and started walking away from the room. “The rest is not my story to tell, you will have to pry the story out of Lance’s cold dead hands.” She stopped suddenly, and though no one could see, her tight smile fell to be replaced with a stormy expression that spoke of sadness at her faux pas.

 

She hoped it would never come to that.

 

0o0o0o0

 

Lance hissed with pain as he watched the blade carve into his skin, the new wound joining scabs and scars on the bony hip. As the blood oozed out of the wound, Lance studied it, touching his fingers to the new additions to his body. And he smiled.

 

Perfect marks for a disappointment like me.

 

And disappointment he thought he was. They had had a mission that morning, and though Lance had tried his hardest, tried his very best, it still wasn’t enough for Allura. He could still hear her words now, bombarding his brain with the acerbic words that wrenched tears from his eyes and blood from his body.

 

“Lance, you need to work harder!”

 

“Why aren’t you connecting with us!”

 

“Why aren’t you helping the civilians?”

 

_No matter that she had just told me to take care of the Galra ships circling the planet._

 

Lance quickly pulled up his boxers to cover his hips as he heard a knock on the bathroom door.

 

“Hey, buddy? Ready to go?” It was Hunk, good, reliable, _loving_ , Hunk. Lance felt a few more tears fall. He wiped them off his face with a snarl, and called out in a chipper voice,

 

“Yeah, all ready to go!”

 

He was ready now that he had punished himself.

 

0o0o0o0

 

The paladins were lined up in their armor, waving enthusiastically to their new allies as they finished their recruiting routine. Not that they really needed to do it anymore, what with Lotor now at the helm of the empire. All that they needed to do now was take out the stragglers of the old regime and make sure that the universe was truly safe in the hands of Lotor and Allura before they could go home.  _ Home _ , Lance thought. He felt his eyes tear up and blinked sharply, holding them back. He couldn’t wait to be back there, with his family with his Mama and Papa and all of his siblings and cousins. 

 

He missed them so much. 

 

What would they say to him though, when they learned that he had basically abandoned them to go gallivanting around the cosmos? Lance bit his lip through his smile. They would be so mad at his, so, so  _ disappointed _ . He couldn’t go back there, no matter how much he wanted to. They would hate him for just running off and wasting all their hard earned money that they had used to put him through a school that probably wouldn’t even accept him back into their folds. 

It would be better for them if he just died. 

 

Lance shook his head trying to rid himself of those thoughts, but he knew that it was futile. He was always thinking like this, ever since a week after he had left the Earth. That’s not to say that he hadn’t thought about it before, but it was just so much more intense and always there, pounding in his head, and making him truly believe that he was a failure. 

 

He was starting to fall into the trap.

 

0o0o0o0

 

He was training. It was three in the morning, and he was training with his new Altean broadsword. He had to get better, had to show them that he wasn’t as much of a failure as they thought he was. 

 

He sliced and diced his way through three waves of round laser shooting contraptions from hell before he started to feel the exhaustion set on. He grimaced as he took a break in between waves. He had to do this. He had to get stronger. For his team, for his family, and for the Earth. 

 

0o0o0o0

 

Hunk was worried about Lance. Granted, he was always worried about everything, given his anxiety, but, especially these days, all his worries were focused on Lance. His best friend was suffering and only he and Pidge saw. Only they saw how much he was trying because only they knew. 

 

Only they knew that Lance was battling with Death every day. 

 

He would check in with his friend as much as possible, asking him if he had self-harmed, and though Lance always replied with a negative, Hunk knew that he was lying. He never said anything though, and for that he was ashamed. He knew how terrible an illness depression was, and he wasn’t  _ doing  _ anything. 

 

Little did he know that to Lance, Hunk’s kindness was all that was keeping him here. 

 

0o0o0o0

 

Lance had done something so incredibly stupid. He had  _ yelled _ at Allura. He ran through the Castle of Lions as fast as he could, running towards his room, running towards salvation.

 

In truth, he knew that what he was doing was wrong, because all that he had done was stand up for himself, but with how Shiro had looked at him, how Lotor had growled, How Allura had actually looked hurt…

 

He was doing them all a favor. 

 

He skidded to a halt in his room, grabbing the trusty razor knife that he always had on him and locked his door. No one could disturb him. Not with what he was about to do. 

 

He breathed through his nose sharply as he pulled his pants down and lifted the waistband of his boxers. The cuts were infected.  _ Fuck _ .

 

No matter, he would cut somewhere else. He took off his jacket and his shirt and looked at himself in the mirror. 

 

To others, he would be attractive, but to himself, all that he saw was his disgusting figure, how, even though he had been training every day, he still had a small amount of stomach fat. He looked away from the mirror and looked down at his arms. Scars littered the otherwise smooth skin, and he nodded, his mind made up. 

 

This was for them. 

 

No longer would they be burdened by him, no longer would they find him a disappointment, no longer would they be forced to interact with his annoying behavior, no longer would he be there. 

 

He lifted the blade and pressed it to the tendon and vein that were so important to keep him alive. Well, he didn’t want to be alive anymore, couldn’t anyone hear him?

 

He smiled as he felt the cool press of metal intermingle with the hot, seeping nectar of life. He didn’t know it, couldn’t hear it over the pounding of his heart, couldn’t know that Hunk was right outside the door with Pidge, working to get the door open. 

 

They knew what he was doing. 

 

He sliced deep into his arm, not minding the sharp pain that came with a dull blade running through his arm, not caring in the slightest that he was staining the floor red. He cut himself ten times. Then ten more times. And then, he sat down on the ground and wept, smiling, as he felt himself go dizzy with vertigo. 

 

He had only done this once before and had nearly died because of it. He was hoping for no nearly this time. 

 

0o0o0o0

 

“What the fuck Allura, can’t you see that I’m trying my hardest?! Can’t you tell that all I’ve been doing is trying to live up to your lofty expectations?” Lance yelled at Allura. The room went even more silent after his proclamation. 

 

And Lance gasped as he realized what he did, seeing the glare on Shiro and Lotor’s faces, hearing the growl emanating from Lotor’s throat. He breathed in through his nose, trying to calm himself, but then he glanced at Allura, and he fell. His breathing became erratic as he made eye contact with the hurt looking princess.  _ He had fucked up _ . 

 

He ran. 

 

And Hunk was left shooting worried looks at the doorway that Lance had just disappeared through. 

 

“That brat,” Shiro snarled. “Who does he think he is?” He got up, moving to get to Lance, probably to yell at him some more, to finish what Allura had begun, when Hunk stood up and blocked Shiro’s path. 

 

“You’re not getting through me.” Hunk said stalwartly, even though Pidge could tell that he was having a panic attack. 

 

Pidge stood up too, headed out of the room, going to check on Lance. She knew that now would be the most danger Lance would be in. Not from the Galra, but from himself. 

 

“Pidge, Hunk, did I tell  you that you could go anywhere?” Shiro said, staring down at the two of them. Hunk gulped but stood straighter. Pidge turned around and pushed up her glasses.

 

“Shiro, you don’t have the authority to order me around when I’m worried about one of our team’s safety.”

 

“Safety? No one is in danger, there is no reason for you to be worried.” Lotor snorted. 

 

Pidge bristled. “I’m going to go save Lance from himself. Hunk? You’re with me. You can calm him down.”

 

Hunk froze. “Pidge,“ he edged out. “When was the last time we checked Lance for sharp objects?”

 

Pidge swore. Then she started running, Hunk thundering behind her. 

 

The rest of the group, Allura, Coran, Shiro, and Lotor, gave each other looks and then stood up to follow at a more leisurely pace. 

 

Nothing was really wrong with the Blue Paladin, right?

 

0o0o0o0

 

Lance giggled as he stared at his arms, delirious. 

 

In the distance, he heard crying and screaming coming from somewhere, but he didn’t really care. He was finally going to be at peace, finally going to be less than a failure. 

 

This was going to be his greatest achievement. 

 

0o0o0o0

 

Pidge slid to a halt in front of Lance’s door and knocked, more like pounded on it. “Lance!” she screamed, pressing the button to open it. It didn’t open. Turning to Hunk she cried, “It’s locked!”

 

Hunk cursed and pulled at a panel in the wall. Opening it, he stared at the confusing muddle of Altean technology. They would have to wait for the princess to get here so that she could order the castle to open the door. 

 

Instead, he turned to the door and started to pound on it, yelling at Lance not hurt himself that everything was okay, anything he could think of to get Lance to not hurt himself. Pidge had vanished, likely looking for the princess so that she could open the door, but Hunk knew that Lance was in danger of dying. 

 

He had never felt so helpless.

 

0o0o0o0

 

“Allura! You have to come quickly, Lance locked his door and we can’t get in, he’s not answering us, and we’re scared!” Pidge near screamed at the princess, shocking the group into a run as they followed the little slip of a girl through the hallways and to Lance’s room. The group was shocked to see Hunk sitting on the floor, crying and yelling to Lance to open the door, and how much he loved him and how it would be okay. 

 

“What is the emergency? All I can see is that your friend is shutting you out and moping.” Lotor asked, confused. 

 

Pidge wiped tears from behind her glasses. “Just open the door and you’ll probably see.” 

 

Allura looked at them all with confusion in her eyes and knelt beside Hunk, placing her hands on the locking mechanism and asking the castle to open the door. 

 

With a soft sound, the door slid open, leaving Hunk and Pidge to cry out when they saw their friend, and all the others to gasp. 

 

Lance was sitting in a pool of his own blood, giggling as he stared at his arms. There was so much blood around him, that the elders in the group couldn’t even comprehend it. Hunk and Pidge though were not shocked, and instead burst into action.

 

Hunk quickly gathered his friend into his arms and ran with Pidge to the infirmary, quickly changing him into the pod clothing and all but shoving him into a pod. They could only hope that they hadn’t been too late. 

 

0o0o0o0

 

It had been a week since Lance had gone into the pod, and everything was silent. Keith had come back to the castle when he had gotten a frantic call from Pidge about how lance was nearly dead, and that he needed to be back at the castle, ASAP.

 

He hadn’t thought anything of it, thinking that Lance had just fucked up on a mission, but when he showed up at the castle with his mother, was shocked to find that no one was really acting normally. Sure, they had been happy that he had found his mom, and Hunk had made a special dinner for her, but that was it. No one was truly happy and Keith wanted to know why. 

 

He decided to ask Hunk first since he was the one that was so quiet. 

 

He was not expecting the answer that he got. 

 

Lance had tried to kill himself? This wasn’t the first time? He was just so confused. But… he could see it. The sharpshooter was always pushed to the side and never recognized for what he did. Now that he thought about it, it was easy to see his happiness and chipper attitude was just a mask that never quite reached his eyes. 

 

He wondered where it all went wrong, and sat, waiting with Hunk and Pidge in front of the pod, listening to their tales of happier days. 


End file.
